Monday, December 27, 2010

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Holiday Emotions

I envy those who can write whatever their hearts tell and those who can pour their emotions with their words..

I stare this monitor blankly what will I type using my keyboard. My heart is feeling heavy right now with the recent dad just had his operation in his prostate a month ago, my aunt died because of cancer, my boyfriend had his left body numb but his recovering now, and my uncle died last Christmas day..

They say we should have positivity. Yes, but I can't help to think and be gazing to nothingness as if my heart was being sucked into vacuum, emptiness. As if dementors have sucked my happiness within.

I feel alone. I felt alone.

No one actually knew this but my wedding was at stake just few days ago. I was about to say the wedding's off. I was so confused what to do. I don't know who to talk with this matter. My bestfriend's too busy. But i do understand her actually.

Because of our budget, his budget is low now..he's taking seven medicines for his heart, blood pressure and others. He has given me two options:
Option A: Civil wedding in Feb and church wedding in December
Option B: Simple church wedding in May and continuous budgeting for a new home..

I don't want to pressure him and stress him out because of his health condition. Though honestly, it broke my heart. I told him long time ago to have his budgeting and I am too. Though due to unavoidable circumstances and health problems, most of the money were alloted to it.

Because I don't want to pressure him, I chose option A with a weak heart. I asked what is his plan if we'll be married in Feb., I am still teaching here in Lucena. How can we stay in one roof if his uncle will be coming soon, there will be no room for me and our family to be.

If he hadn't been too honest maybe the wedding was off. His uncle will be coming but if that happens, they had transfer a new house. There's so much mess in his work, that he wanted to find a new one sooner too. He has plans to go to Dubai too. Too much heartache.

I asked him to talk to his parents and sisters first about the wedding. I was too tired to think that time. My heart was tired.

Then I told him okay option B. But let's talk this face to face.

He then asked if I will be happy in the future with him. That time, I can't answer him back because as I said tired and my heart too. My tears fell on my cheeks and my eyes can't stop pouring all those encapsulated emotions bursting.

December 24. I said sorry to him for being selfish. Sorry for the ill reaction I had. I was just too tired and pressured. He said sorry too. We reconciled and I think there's a happy ending waiting for us.