Cold Monster

Just like the cold wind outside, it hit hard inside me. Why people are so mean? Why people tend to boss around? Come hell, she don't even have the right. I am the lead person. I have the right to set things I would want. Can she do her own thing? She didn't even know what she's talking about.

To the man I love

My dearest,

I wish you can make up your mind with the plan we'll be threading for the next months. It was really hard for me to plan things in my mind and dream about everything and then you will be telling me that the plan will be changed?(Knowing you are the kind of person who do not have any plan -- I never thought that you will be that kind.)

I really felt bad. Truly, I am. But what shall I do? I can't be mad at you. If I don't love you that much, I have been so angry.

If it will be a civil wedding then go ahead..if it will be a church wedding, so let it be..But decide what will be. I was thinking we had finalized that it will be a church wedding so that we can save money for our new home. But now you have changed your mind knowing that your mom can help you with the finance at this time because of the non-availability of funds.

So whatever you have decided, please let me know and please be it final. I have waited for a year for the wedding and even you have given the dates before. You were then the most excited. Now, that things were sinked in my mind, I was hoping for things to came to reality.

Whatever it is, please please be sure before you tell me. I hate waiting. I hate crying. I hate fighting. I love you so much that I can't even imagine the worst to come within us.

Hoping for reality to sink in,

your dearest

Taking the Grammar Out of the Kiss

"A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or

an explanation point. That's basic spelling

that every woman ought to know."

-Mistinguett in Theatre Arts

Your kiss was like a question mark,

she said, & my lips were giving you

the answer. That was why I got mad

when you pulled away. I needed

to kiss you again to get a reprise.

=Poem by Hal Sirowitz, from his book Before, During & After

Fable of the Mermaid and the Drunks

All those men were there inside,

when she came in totally naked.
They had been drinking: they began to spit.
Newly come from the river, she knew nothing.
She was a mermaid who had lost her way.
The insults flowed down her gleaming flesh.
Obscenities drowned her golden breasts.
Not knowing tears, she did not weep tears.
Not knowing clothes, she did not have clothes.
They blackened her with burnt corks and cigarette stubs,
and rolled around laughing on the tavern floor.
She did not speak because she had no speech.
Her eyes were the colour of distant love,
her twin arms were made of white topaz.
Her lips moved, silent, in a coral light,
and suddenly she went out by that door.
Entering the river she was cleaned,
shining like a white stone in the rain,
and without looking back she swam again
swam towards emptiness, swam towards death.

Pablo Neruda

Clenched Soul

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.

Pablo Neruda

Echuserang kuting

Holiday Emotions

I envy those who can write whatever their hearts tell and those who can pour their emotions with their words..

I stare this monitor blankly what will I type using my keyboard. My heart is feeling heavy right now with the recent events..my dad just had his operation in his prostate a month ago, my aunt died because of cancer, my boyfriend had his left body numb but his recovering now, and my uncle died last Christmas day..

They say we should have positivity. Yes, but I can't help to think and be gazing to nothingness as if my heart was being sucked into vacuum, emptiness. As if dementors have sucked my happiness within.

I feel alone. I felt alone.

No one actually knew this but my wedding was at stake just few days ago. I was about to say the wedding's off. I was so confused what to do. I don't know who to talk with this matter. My bestfriend's too busy. But i do understand her actually.

Because of our budget, his budget is low now..he's taking seven medicines for his heart, blood pressure and others. He has given me two options:

Option A: Civil wedding in Feb and church wedding in December

Option B: Simple church wedding in May and continuous budgeting for a new home..

I don't want to pressure him and stress him out because of his health condition. Though honestly, it broke my heart. I told him long time ago to have his budgeting and I am too. Though due to unavoidable circumstances and health problems, most of the money were alloted to it.

Because I don't want to pressure him, I chose option A with a weak heart. I asked what is his plan if we'll be married in Feb., I am still teaching here in Lucena. How can we stay in one roof if his uncle will be coming soon, there will be no room for me and our family to be.

If he hadn't been too honest maybe the wedding was off. His uncle will be coming but if that happens, they had transfer a new house. There's so much mess in his work, that he wanted to find a new one sooner too. He has plans to go to Dubai too. Too much heartache.

I asked him to talk to his parents and sisters first about the wedding. I was too tired to think that time. My heart was tired.

Then I told him okay option B. But let's talk this face to face.

He then asked if I will be happy in the future with him. That time, I can't answer him back because as I said tired and my heart too. My tears fell on my cheeks and my eyes can't stop pouring all those encapsulated emotions bursting.

December 24. I said sorry to him for being selfish. Sorry for the ill reaction I had. I was just too tired and pressured. He said sorry too. We reconciled and I think there's a happy ending waiting for us.